You're Not Wrong, Kristen...

Don't call it a come back.  I'm still too fragile to commit.

I lost myself...I lost myself...and I didn't know where to find her.  I searched the whole world over, and wouldn't you know, after all that searching...

I finally found her at the Draft Cade pop-a-shot?!! 

Yep.  That's a smile on my face.  AND...that 74 in the high score space is mine, justly won.  I don't care if you think it's lame how happy that made me.  I work hard for these little wins, and I've spent enough time at home.  I'm going BIG on these little victories.

I NEED a win!!

Did you know you can't get in to Chuck E. Cheese's without a kid anymore?? And speaking of kids, have you seen mine lately???!!!

They are my biggest win.  But...they're basically all adults now.  Do you KNOW what that says about me?!!

I know a lot of nice people who tell me I don't look that old...but I sure do feel it.  Every.  Last.  Minute.  And then some... 

It’s amazing what humanity will do to you.  I mean that in every facet and connotation.

I’ma be honest.  Y’all hurt!!

It is frustrating to be among a species so divisive and obstinate, selfish and cruel.  It is frustrating, all the more, to find my own self guilty of these same horrors.

My little sweetie.  💕 -Jason's Mom

I have been working on anger management a lot lately.  It's funny how things go in trends.  It never fails I will be struggling with one concept or another, and it seems like every client starts talking about the same troubles.

I give some pretty good advice sometimes, meanwhile I can’t seem to get it right, myself.  I am tossed around.  I am up and down.  I am backwards and inside out.  I am left feeling isolated and exposed, and I can't even begin to describe what is wrong.  I am conflicted and confused.  So, I want to hate, because hate is easier than love, sometimes. 

*Spoiler alert: I am not Jesus.  

P.S. Spoiler alert: Neither are you.

P.P.S. Sometimes it really shows.

I find, when I'm struggling, blaming everyone else is the easiest.  (That's me, the human, not the counselor.) Also, talking is safer than listening. (Ditto.)  So, it seems to help if we just rant and rant to everyone we know...and then make post about it.  That always fixes things, don't you think? (The human.  For the record, the counselor half made me just shut myself off and be quiet for awhile.  I call it progress.) 

Smoke and mirrors, baby.  Smoke and mirrors. Don’t waste your time scrutinizing (or judging), Almira, we are ALL the man behind Oz’s curtain at one time or another.  Even me.  Even you.

"I'll get you...and your little dog, too!"

Did I mention Jesse turned 5 this week???  Mamajesse got him a new toy, because we are in WUVZ...💕 (That's why we're shipped!)

  

And speaking of love...on one of our first “dates” (he never really took me on a date, but that’s a story for another day) the first thing Matt said to me was, “I have poison ivy on my neck!”

Well, ok!  We got THAT out of the way!

It made me laugh, but it also endeared him to me. I am the kind of person who would rather jump out and reveal myself than wait for IT to find me.  It hurts less to expose myself - puts the power back in my own hands.

It's also genuine.  And if there is anything that can set me off like a post-apocolyptic volcano explosion, it is DISINGENUOUSNESS.  

Trust me.  (But never trust a person who says, "Trust me."  Unless you are committed to the willing suspension of disbelief.). If you are going to speak to me, and you have the slightest inkling you don't TRULY mean what you are going to say, deep down in the pity-bitty of your heart...you will be better off to not say anything at all.  I will love you all the more if you are just candid with me.

I am a very literal person...but my "BS" sensor is ALWAYS working overtime.  (I probably don't believe you a lot of times that you do mean what you say.)

I don’t really get life, and if I’m being honest, I don’t like it all that much sometimes.  I often get by assuming this is just one big treasure hunt for beauty and joy.  I try to laugh and carry on when I hit the “Whammy” instead if the gold nugget...

While inside, I feel as stupid and contagious as Kurt Cobain.

Sometimes, when I'm smart, I just choose to "Don't press your luck."  But I have found that it's not very fulfilling if I hide forever, either.   I can't stay stuck in a chrysalis forever, and even Rapunzel eventually had to escape her tower.  Just be warned:

When I am hurt, I act crazy. When I am scared, I act crazy.  When I am angry…

Never estimate me.  You will always be wrong.

But here’s the other thing…I know the story reciprocates to you.  We're in this together, and you are stuck with me, my friend.  We may as well get comfortable.  I for one, happen to be comfortable with honesty.  I am working on the whole "other perspectives" thing.  I have a LONG way to go.

I will do my best to act in a way that is loving and respectful, and when I do not, I promise I WILL be held accountable.  Now matter how hard I wrestle with God, He ALWAYS manages to win.  

Sigh.  Faint.  (Make Matt drag me off while I lay limp like total deadweight.). Exit stage!

This week, God and Matt and I worked especially hard together to help me get the picture.

I bought 7 coins at the batting cages, planning to use 2 or 3.

One of the workers, recognized me and tried to have a jovial chat.

"Going to hit some balls today?" he asked me.

I did not bother to look up, "Yep."

"Do you play in a league?"

"No.  I'm pissed off."

He burst out with a startled laugh.  (No one ever seems to see it coming with me.) "I like that."

I looked up, caught his eye, smiled and shrugged, "It's honest.  I don't know any other way to be."

And after 105 pitches, I wasn't quite done...so I yelled and screamed and cried and tantrumed myself into my bed at home.

You're not wrong, Kristen.  You're just... 

I reiterate that I am NOT Jesus.  If I were, I would NEVER have degraded myself to this existence.  And that is why I am not.  

He's still working on me.  🎶

Amen.  The end.

Kristen