Better, Run Run Run Run....
Later that week...I also got bit by a dog. I TOLD you it was BAD. (I’m actually crying here.)
But it’s ok. It’s ok. Everything is going to be ok.
I am paying attention to the voices in my head telling me "You suck…like big time!” and “You should definitely quit everything, because you suck…like REALLY bad.” And I am practicing what I preach when I tell my clients to be gentle on themselves and have a growth mindset and thought stop those evil sons of (you're the one that filled in the blank, not me...). And even though it is NOT easy for me with this complicated brain of mine, I am going to force myself to take some time to heal, recover and grow, and then I’m going to make myself get up and try and learn and fail and grow again. But you GUYYYYYYS! This life can be soooooo heartbreakingly discouraging!!!
And I have such big emotions!! But again, I am learning alongside my clients (because I have a really big heart, and I am keeping my mind open to growth) and even though I was having a REALLY bummer, lonely, bleh Sunday, I went to a church, and the guy said, “emotions should be indicators not dictators," and THAT landed on some raw wounds. But fresh words on raw heart wounds are like tilled soil where new seeds can grow. So I'm trying to learn to acknowledge my emotions and deal with them but to refuse to allow them to dictate my actions and dominate all of my days. (Let me tell you, it is NOT an easy venture over here.)
But sometimes we need self care and ease and sometimes we need to just pick ourselves up and make ourselves move…one foot in front of the other…one duldrum task at a time…and sometimes it’s hard to know which is which and when, but I think it’s all about balance. Or maybe it's alignment. I told Matt I think I need a spiritual chiropractor because I just keep getting all out of whack. But I’m starting to think that’s just life, and I don’t fully understand the point either. I’ve just decided to keep on trudging along and trusting there is one.
And sometimes, if I just shut up and distract myself (or go to sleep) I do a lot less stupid things and I feel better after. I wish I could remember that BEFORE I do all the stupid things. Sigh.
"I once thought that after I prayed it was my duty to do everything I could to bring the answer to pass. He taught me a better way and showed that my self-effort always hindered His working. When I prayed and definitely believed Him for anything, He wanted me to wait in the spirit of praise and only do what He bade me. It seems so unsafe to just sit still and do nothing but trust the Lord. The temptation to take the battle into our own hands is often tremendous. We all know how impossible it is to rescue a drowning man who tries to help his rescuer. It is equally impossible for the Lord to fight our battles for us when we insist on trying to fight them ourselves...Our interference hinders His working." (125-6; edits mine). Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman
And sometimes, there is nothing to figure out. And sometimes, it’s maybe just all coincidence and there are no direct answers…or if there are, they're not in me…I don’t have to come up with them. In fact, I CAN'T. I can't come up with all the answers. I am incompetent to decipher the answers in the chaotic mess of limited misinformation and unforeseeable variables constantly bombarding me. But I CAN nestle in and rest because my God already has ALL the answers, and I just need to take the good and take the bad and take them both and there I have the facts of life. The facts of life.
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| NOT EXAGGERATING when I say BAD. |
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| Also this...I'm telling you... |
Folks, I am HERE to tell you the world NEVER seems to be living up to my dreams. And "Have it your way" is a farce. Don't fall for the lies!
But one thing I do know is that one of my most favorite books of ALL time has always been The Catcher in the Rye, because I understand that guy. Holden, he kind of thinks like me. And I get why he wants to be standing there in the field saving all the children. It's why I do what I do every single day of my life. Ole J.D. took the deep aches of my heart and put them into words on the pages of that book. But I'm just now, for the first time in my life, starting to realize that what I've really wanted all along is a catcher to look after ME. And since I never could find a good one, I just decided to be to everyone else what no one else could truly fulfill. But now, I've got so many kids I can't save them all. We are having too many close calls, and I can't bear to lose one, so I'm humbled to my knees and begging for help before I fail and let one slip...
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| 🫡 💔 |
"I hate people when they're not polite." -Talking Heads, Psycho Killer
And I realize I've been out of alignment all this time. I've looked in the wrong place trying to fill a deep chasm with a leaky valve. On the reverse, I have to let the kids experience the close calls now and then, so that they learn about the dangers enough to quit running toward the cliff's edge in the first place. How best can I save them if not by teaching them how to save and protect themselves??? Moreover...how can I save them if I don't point them to the only sustainable well?
“You will never have real mercy for the failings of another until you know and realize that you have the same failings in your soul.” -Bernard quoted in Then Sings My Soul by Robert J Morgan
Yours.
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