A Wall, and a Siege, and There is ALWAYS Hope, My Friends!

 Well...I finally hit the wall.

My little tribe keeps me going...sometimes a little more than I can take.

I've been watching everything crumble around me and have been holding it together pretty well.  Typical for me.  I hold it together until everyone else hits homeostasis...then I can crumble.

It wasn't even mental this time.  I won't say not at all, but not noticeably...and I've become pretty self aware (out of necessity) in that department over the years.  What actually happened, is I went for a walk alone.  Without Matt.  Without Jesse.  And about a 1/4 mile from the house, I had this weird, warm shock wave descend from my brain throughout my whole body.  I thought, "Weird," and kept going.  I mean, please tell me I'm not the only one to have random weird physical "events" like that every now and then???!!!  

Regardless, I've had enough of them to know it is not completely atypical for me.

Not this one, of course...he's just my little angel.  

I have since processed all the options for what could be happening: panic attack, low iron, low b12, vertigo, weird migraine... and I have to admit, I still don't have a solid answer.  However, I do believe the bottom line is stress overload and subsequent unhealthy choices.

For example...I am coming off of a manic December productivity push...something my atypical brain enjoys, but my body (and sanity!) ALWAYS pays for in the end.  

Meanwhile, I've been walking through some major trauma with a few very precious people.  As a highly sensitive, empathetic person, that means I LITERALLY carry a portion of their pain.  And since a few of these situations directly reflect back to my own (very intense) trauma...it landed a little harder.  

And speaking of intense past trauma...

All of it came to a head on my late sister's birthday, so I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to figure out my body is telling me I've hit a wall and it is, officially, time to TAKE A BREAK!

And speaking of breaks and my angel - we were looking at pics of me and Matt in Iceland.  Evan reported he remembered the time I left him, and he remembers having been "devastated."  So, then, he decided - to make up for it - I should take him on a trip (just us!) to...Paris.  I think that's reasonable and appropriate, don't you?!! 🤣

I've been walking around on eggshells with my very own nerves the last few days, trying to keep all levels of stress at bay.  It's called self care, my friends.  I am not immune, and I practice what I preach.  I have managed to develop a relatively high tolerance for crisis management and emotional empathy, but that doesn't mean I don't have my limits.  It would appear I have pushed a little too hard trying to find this one.

Whew!

Anyway...

a few things I know about me... I need: 1) PLENTY OF SLEEP!! 2) Plenty of time with Matt 3) SUNSHINE!! (or my happy light if nature does not provide) 3) Exercise (and the ability to hear when I need to rest) 4) Plenty of unstructured time for creative projects that bring me joy, like: incubating chicken eggs, sewing a tote bag, cross-stitching Starry Night, growing evergreens for potential bonsai trees, making sourdough bread from scratch...you know, the usual.  😉🤷

If you look closely, and I know you will, you can see little vein-like structures in the top portion of this egg.  We think we are seeing signs of development in all 16.  (WARNING: That does not guarantee success.  So, hang in there, and be prepared, just in case - like me - you take new and precious life EXTREMELY SERIOUSLY and loss of it VERY HARSHLY!)

I used to feel bad that I was so stinking needy (not to mention WEIRDO!).  But, you know what?  Shame never got me anywhere.  And this is who I am.  I have learned, if I feed my needs, I can accomplish more in 10 minutes than a lot of people get done in an entire day (some, maybe, even a week).  And that is pretty helpful and exceptional, so...I take care of myself...and I choose to refuse guilt and shame, in that regard.  I look, instead, to the positive things my weirdness provides to a world that, if I say so myself, could use a little shaking up.

For example, I am currently prioritizing my time.  I overlooked the dishes during the day, so I could be fully available to my clients in the evening.  Guess what.  The dishes got done, eventually.  On one particularly late evening, when I was feeling a good bit fragile, I asked my husband to sit outside my office. He fully respected the privacy of everyone involved...put in headphones, watched videos on his phone, and did not look up once while he was there.  But just his presence gave me the ability to push beyond my own fragility to be where I needed to be for someone else.

I couldn't have asked for a better one...(my sister calls him a saint, but we will not read too much into that potentially offensive-to-me title 😉)

It's one of the greatest blessings of this marriage.  The give and take.  He is ALWAYS willing to be there when I need him, as much as is humanly possible.  He is ALWAYS on my side, always cheering me, always supporting me.

I left work a little early one day, because I had met all my pressing commitments.  And because I had no pending emergencies of which I was aware.  Still, it was a difficult decision.  I do NOT like neglecting my commitments.  I texted my husband a pretty vulnerable text (because I know I can without judgment), "I am coming home."  I was experiencing multiple events (described above), and I just HAD to throw in the towel.  "I am going to come home, eat and take my vitamins and take a nap.  I'm sorry I am not going to stay all day.  I feel like a wimp and a failure.  But it is what it is."

His reply:

"You are an amazing woman who has reached her physical/emotional limit because you give until you literally crash."

This is soil I needed to grow and thrive, my friends.  Unlimited grace, unconditional love and faithful support.  

We invest in some pretty tight bonds around here...

Sometimes, I feel like it's one-sided and I do not bring enough into the relationship.  (That is my over-achiever, self-abasing, perfectionist speaking...). Then, I read a version of this story in a little devotional I got at the school/church this week:

The Siege of Weidelburg Castle

Germany

Reinhard von Dalwigk the Unborn, was a brave and proud knight. He lived like a small prince. His violence and eternal feuds, as well as the robbery and plundering that he was accused of, brought him the enmity of his prince, Count Ludwig the Peaceful, who then had his vassals besiege the knight in his Castle Weidelburg. After a long siege the knight finally recognized that there was no chance for a good outcome.

Then his wife, the beautiful Agnes went down to the enemy camp and had herself brought before the landgrave. Crying, she fell to his feet and begged for mercy.

The angry count insisted that the knight surrender, but he was touched by the woman's tears, and said that although he had at first intended to not even allow a dog to escape death in the castle, he would now permit her and her maidservants, each carrying what was dear to her, to go free. But the men would have to remain in the castle, awaiting further decisions. The count gave his noble pledge to honor this promise.

She hurried back to the castle. Her maidservants loaded themselves with her best clothes and jewelry. She then took her husband onto her back, and thus they departed.

When the count saw them, he stated that the knight's departure had not been a part of his promise.

Agnes replied, "But what else would be of value to me, if I were leaving my husband behind in mortal danger? You promised that I could take my most precious belongings with me; therefore I choose my most valuable treasure.

This loyalty and love broke the count's anger, and he let them go.

So, yeah...this is the kind of thing I could potentially provide.  He might wait outside my door just to offer the comfort of his presence.  I would willingly outwit his enemies (should he have any???) and carry him out on my back to save his life...and then some.

I think you can see the weary (in my eyes if not my hair!) in this pic. 🤣

I am feeling better, I think.  I have had a few days to rest and recover, and that is EXACTLY what I did, and I will continue to take them when I get them.  (So, please give me grace if I miss a phone call or event or two!  I will eventually return to the land of the living, but sometimes I just need an extended vacation in the land of Kristen to fuel-up and ready myself for the next battle!)

I hope, my dear friends, that you offer yourself these same graces, should you need them.  I promise I will encourage you in your needs!

Jesse's FAVE!!! Came for a visit for the first time at our house.  I think it is clear to see the mutual love.  These are the kinds of friends we all need. 💕

Truly,

Kristen