Kristen Blog

What a Friday... I'm pretty sure I read something once that somewhere, some country used constant irritation as a torture device.  Like...they would let their POW's fall asleep for just a few minutes and then would randomly wake them, so they never really got any sleep...and it drove their victims mad. I need to clarify...I might totally be making this up, but it DEFINITELY sounds plausible to me.  Because sometimes, a series of non-stop pin pricks can seem worse than one deeper wound.  Rip off the band-aid, for the love! Today was a series of frustrations.  I started the day tired.  I have started every day this week progressively more and more tired, and I had little hope, since each day was scheduled to be relatively as long as the one before.  I'm not really catching much down time right now. And I started out the day with a decent group, until some kid just COMPLETELY snapped during my fool-proof, everybody-loves-it lesson.  I mean, I've never seen such a Dr.

And then there are the days you wake up to being puked on.  That's life.  It could have been a lot grosser, and my gag reflex is seriously overflexed.  If I didn't gag, it wasn't that bad.  I sure wasn't planning on showering at 6:30 on Sunday morning (we pick the late service for a reason!), but at least I have a slow start tomorrow.  I think I can cope through.  The real rough week is behind me, for now. I give a lot of myself.  For the most part, I am able to do that without need.  I am very careful to make sure I am balanced.  I pay severe attention to my feelings and moods, and I make sure my cup is full, as often as I can.  I have learned to let go of the small things, to ignore the darts and daggers other people might throw at me and stay confident in my worth (because of where it is rooted).  I am very aware.  Some call it mindfulness.  I call it gratitude.  I look for things to appreciate.  A lot of times it is in another person, and one of my favorite thi

You know, this work/internship thing is really turning out to be not-so-bad, so far.  Everything seems to be timing out pretty bearable.  I am praying it continues.  The weekends off really helps! And the troubled youth ...it is my theme.  It is my heart.  I don't think there's anything to which I would rather give my life. Turns out, so far, I am loving this year.  (There are definitely ups and downs, but I went full force into it expecting that.  Hurting people hurt people.  I was once hurting myself.  I think it's redeeming.) Speaking of expectations, that is one of my main strategies for coping.  I have learned to enter into this work with little to no expectations.  It is so much easier to be kind and compassionate when I don't place expectations on the other person.  Boundaries, definitely.  Expectations, no.  When I place expectations on a broken person, I set them up for failure.  These kids don't need another opportunity for failure.  I get to be the

I have officially completed the first week of in-school work and internship.  So far, I'm still alive.  I did have a rough patch in the middle.  I had to deal with a few difficult groups (one in which I was being observed by my supervisor), and my ego quickly depleted.  I am so fragile, really.  And sometimes, my ability to cope runs thin.  The funny thing is, it was the garage door opener that finally made me break. I am such a people pleaser, and in many cases, I am able to throw my heart into 1 Corinthians 4:13, but I AM a human, after all...quite an emotional being.  I survive the daily daggers and bullets with the use of very intentional coping skills, which I have developed over these forty years (most of them in the last 10). When I arrived at home after such an emotionally charged day, I decided a walk would serve me best, and I NEEDED time with sweet Evan.  So, we headed out on our usual route, and by the end of it I was feeling much more at peace...until I realized

I always thought I was ugly.  Really ugly.  The ugliest thing to ever walk the planet, maybe.  I thought that all my life until someone convinced me otherwise. I mean, there were people who told me otherwise.  But telling does not always convince.  You know?  There is a difference.  Someone told me I was beautiful quite cheaply.  I wanted to believe it, at first, but when she turned with a knife in my back, I knew my beauty was a lie. Another told me I was beautiful rather genuinely, I thought, but when he smiled as I stabbed his back, I couldn’t help but think, this, too was fraud. I was surprised to find my beauty in consistent boundaries: I love you too much to hurt you and too much to let you hurt me or yourself.  That application seemed smart and genuine, and in this context of love, I became convinced of my beauty. I still needed to rectify the ugly.  How am I beautiful with all this ugly, and isn’t beauty ALWAYS fleeting, really?   But...what is be

In the clearing stands a boxer And a fighter by his trade And he carries the reminder Of every glove that laid him down Or cut him til he cried out In his anger and his shame "I am leaving, I am leaving." But the fighter still remains... -Simon and Garfunkel I have a tendency to clinch.  I am a natural fighter.  I am immediately, simultaneously on defense and on the offense.  I will battle you at the slightest provocation.  I like to think I have softened a bit over the years, but... I have, for example, COMPLETELY destroyed my jaw.  It is an embarrassing fact that every time - every single time - I chew, my jaw makes an audible popping sound.  When feeling my jaw muscles, my dentist expressed shock.  "Now those are some of THE STRONGEST jaw muscles I have ever encountered."  I am an anomaly.  I admit I am a tad ashamed.  I will hesitate to eat around you.  And sometimes, quite often really, I even annoy myself. Sometimes, I catch myself on

I have a hero. I was unimpressed when we first met.  She was a lovely, petite blond. (I am old enough and secure enough to be able to compliment these things, without bitterness and jealousy, for the most part.  It has, actually, become one of my favorite pastimes - complimenting women...freely and joyfully, complimenting other women.  I find the rare purity of a genuine compliment with no ulterior motive to be, unanimously, well-received.) But I did not compliment this particular woman.  I did not even like her, at first.  In my defense, she had unknowingly set herself up as my enemy from the very start of our relationship.  What kind of personality must she have to do this job every day of her life?  Did she really choose this?  She must be so stiff and unkind. Oh the judgments we make when we are unaware.  So unfair. We would spend a significant amount of time together in the next few days, the Undertaker and I.  And I would do weird things.  I have learned to be uninhibited